It's said that you have to lie on ice and drink molten lead to even fathom the torture that love can be. But for me the greatest pain to be endured is to love with the certain knowledge that my existence is almost minuscule for the person whom I love. It's that I exist but in a way that my presence barely counts and my absence will hardly matter. It's almost that am with her most of the time, but hardly reciprocated the same way. It was always 'me' or 'her', but never 'us'. The one true wish that I always cherished was to love somebody truly, madly and deeply and to be loved back the same way. And now that I do love in that way, it's driving me to the point of insanity to face the indifference. Love can't be demanded and neither can it be forced. And am in no way capable of "un-loving" for the reason that am not being loved back. That'll be way too selfish an act.

The moments where I am loved it feels as if that's only a reaction, a sign of expressing gratitude for my love. The pangs of loneliness and the hollowness of feeling distanced lingers. Is it too much to ask for, to be loved.


So well, I was always fated to be lonely and to carry the corpse of my love and it'll be no different this time round too.



"koyi hotaa jis ko apanaa, hum apanaa kah lete yaaro
paas naheen to door hee hotaa, lekeen koyi meraa apanaa

aakho mein neend naa hotee, aansoo hee tairate rahate
khwaabaane mein jaagate hum raat bhar
koyi to gam apanaataa, koyi to saathee hotaa

bhoolaa huaa koyi waadaa, beetee huyee kuchh yaade
tanahaee doharaatee hain raatabhar
koyi dilaasaa hotaa, koyi to apanaa hotaa"